Emotional.

Right now James is sleeping and I should be:

1. Doing the dishes
2. Cleaning the living room
3. Making the bed
4. Reading my class textbooks
5. Working on YW stuff

BUT instead I have been looking at pictures of James for the past hour. I can't believe that he has been in my life for a year, and like many can predict, I have so many mixed feelings. I am so proud of all of his accomplishments and how independent he is becoming but I am so sad that it is going by so fast. I can't describe how much I love his personality and how his face lights up whenever he sees me, but it is also so difficult to handle his newly acquired tantrums. He is getting so big and I feel so overwhelmed with what I have to be for him:

A teacher- someone who teaches him his letters, numbers, colors, body parts, how to be reverent, how to pray, how to read for more than 5 minutes, how to use a spoon correctly, etc.

A 'discipliner' (even though I don't think that a word)- someone who completely ignores his tantrums and praises him when he is not throwing a tantrum. Someone that tells him what is dangerous even though he cries because he wants to play with it, someone who will spend 20 minutes cleaning toys up with him when it would only take her 20 seconds.

A Nurse- someone that holds him when he falls down while walking, someone that knows how to handle his teething symptoms, someone who helps him brush his teeth even though he wants to do it himself.

A cuddle partner- someone who will hold him when he is tired or just waking up, someone who will hold him when he meets new people, especially men, someone, only by the name of MOM, who he wants to hold him even when there are half a dozen other people who could hold him.

A cook- someone who will come up with an assortment of healthy food options to give to him on a tight budget, someone who is willing to have their meal rejected by him because he wants a different meal (even though he usually loves that meal)

A good wife- someone who he sees loves his daddy and is doing nice things for him, someone that doesn't get frustrated or raise their voice at daddy but instead gives daddy hugs and kisses.

An adventurer- someone who will take him out into the world to see and experience everything good that the world has to offer, someone who will have fun with him at the park, someone who will teach him what the fruits are called in the stores and what the animals are at the zoo

I love being a mom, but I definitely feel overwhelmed at times with everything that I want to be for my little guy. To add to that, I also want to be an A+ student, an excellent YW President, a good friend who actually talks  and hangs out  with her girlfriends, and most important, a good wife.

Lately I have found myself especially lacking in the latter category. I guess with all of the pressure I am feeling, the person that I take it out on is Matt. We do have a great relationship, and we try never to go to sleep upset at each other, but I have noticed myself expecting too much out of him and I always seem to want him to do things on my schedule. I am sorry. From this point on I am going to try to be better to him and I think by doing so (hopefully), everything else will fall into place and I will feel less stressed.

I still need to blog about James' birthday party and his 12 month stats and accomplishments, but for now I will do the list of chores at the top of this blog :)

Thanks for letting me vent :)